In the End…

A full 2 weeks have passed since graduation and I must say, I am still struggling to find words that are worthy of closing this incredible chapter in my life.  I am not very often left speechless, but I must say, I am.  Walking into the Virginia Tech football stadium, receiving my diploma, taking the Veterinarian’s Oath and now being called “doctor” are all moments that are hard to put into words…introducing myself as “Dr. Paige” doesn’t quite roll off my tongue yet.  Unless you were there for those moments and listening to my trials and tribulations throughout the last 4 years, it’s impossible to explain.  On Monday I start working and maybe then all of this will feel a little more real.  Perhaps it all feels a little surreal because SO much has changed in a matter of moments.  I went from living alone in a tiny dogless apartment for 4 years, stressed and exhausted, to living in a giant house near the beach with my husband and two dogs, with no worries and plenty of sleep.  So maybe the fact that the end of these 4 years marks the start of such a wonderful new chapter makes finding words to say “goodbye” unnecessary.  Instead, I should recognize that the end of vet school marks the beginning of an incredible new chapter in my life.

I have learned SO much over the last 4 years…obviously enough to earn my DVM…but more importantly, I’ve learned how to be myself even in the most difficult situations.  I’ve learned how to be a wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, friend, dog-mom, sister, aunt, classmate and coworker in the real world and learned that the real world is not always easy.  I’ve learned that no matter what, I can.  I can do all things.  I can be the best person I can be and I’m pretty great…and no, I have no problem tooting my own horn.  I’ve learned that if you want to be something great, you have to endure challenges that will rock you to your core and that you WILL rise again, stronger than before, but you have to be willing to try.  I’ve learned that no matter how infinite the world seems, it is yours to explore and conquer.  I’ve learned that a few good friends are priceless.  I’ve learned that your achievements are your own, but don’t forget to thank those that helped you get there because without them, you probably still would’ve made it but the journey wouldn’t have been nearly as wonderful.  I’ve learned that in the end, it’s only the beginning.  Never stop learning, never stop growing, never stop trying to better because you always, always, always, can be.

When I started this blog almost 4 years ago, my intention was to make veterinary school seem attainable for anyone.  I was not the “typical” recent college graduate attending vet school and I want to encourage anyone who thinks they can’t do it with their current situation to just try.  My husband addressed my fears and said to me when I got accepted to vet school, “You have to go.  How will you ever know how it will turn out if you don’t try.”  So all I ask is that you try.  Maybe it isn’t veterinary school, maybe it is any goal in your life that you are feeling reluctant to pursue.  Graduation day was one of the best days of my life and without accepting my seat 4 years ago, I would not be where I am today.  So throw your inhibitions to the wind and just say that you’ll try.  You’ll be amazed at who you become.  I certainly am.

How Will it Feel…

The scary truth is that I have no idea how I will feel 50 days from now when I will forever be known as “Doctor”.  When you’ve been waiting so long to finish something, the moment that it happens is surreal.  I have been working towards being a vet for so long that once it happens, will I even believe it is true?  Will I walk into the exam room on the first day of work believe that in fact I am the doctor?  The truth is, yes, I think I will.  I may not readily respond to Dr. Paige for a few days or maybe weeks, but it has a nice ring to it if you ask me!  The truth is, while I will never have less experience than I do on graduation day, I have still earned every right to be called “Doctor”.  I have survived one of the most difficult curriculum that exists, craved sleep, taken countless exams, cried over lost patients, smiled over healed ones and learned a heck of a lot over the last 4 years…all in preparation of what is to come.  People ask me if I am ready for the next step.  While it is hard to picture me standing on my own two feet as a vet, I am ready.

I have imagined finishing my last external rotation and heading back to Blacksburg for my last 2 rotations for 14 blocks.  I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like along the way and now that I am here, it is hard to believe that I have just 6 weeks until my last day of clinics.  Every day I get more excited and more ready for graduation but it is still so surreal.  I spend much of my free time (which I have more of since boards are passed) imagining how I will feel on graduation day.  It’s impossible.  There is no way to anticipate how the moment I have been waiting for for the last 10+ years will feel.  All I know is that I will be forever changed.

Proud doesn’t come close.  Happy is an understatement.  Ecstatic, overwhelmed, determined, accomplished…who knows how I will feel.  The last 4 years have been so unbelievably challenging that it almost doesn’t seem real.  I’ve admired other vets for so long wishing that I was them and now it’s me…it’s finally happening.  In 50 days, my life will be complete.  I will have achieved the greatest personal accomplishment of my life.  Mark and I will be starting OUR new chapter, together, side-by-side.  The life I have known for the past 4 years will be a memory (I would call it a wonderful memory but it wasn’t always such) and the future is mine to define.  For the next 50 days, I will continue to imagine how I will feel.  The feeling will become more tangible day-by-day.  I don’t know how I will feel but I can guarantee it will be even better than I could ever imagine.

You Want me to Stick my Arm Where…

The life of a veterinarian is always full of surprises.  After all, that is one of the many reasons I love my profession.  However (you knew a but was coming), my next block will be full of the-not-so-fun-kind of surprises.  For the next three weeks I will be on Production Management Medicine (PMM).  My time will be spent in the great outdoors with cattle at dairy and beef farms, sheep, goats and pigs (well at least they’re inside)…in the dead of winter.  The surprises I will encounter will include explosive poop, angry bulls, squealing pigs, kicks and temperatures that rarely rise into the double digits.  From what I’m told by my encouraging classmates, at least the cows’ butts are warm.  So then poses the question, “You want me to stick my arm where?”  And yes, the unfortunate reality is that I will spend a good majority of the next three weeks with my arm deep into cows’ bums…rectums…no matter what term you use it doesn’t get any more pleasant.  For those non-veterinary folks reading my blog, sticking your arm in a cow’s rectum (or palpating) is how you assess their reproductive tract.  So yay, I will get to find babies at the end of the long, dark, tunnel.  This block will be filled with “trying to see the bright side” moments.  At least I’m not trapped inside all day…at least you gets your hands dirty…at least you get to try new things…bleh blah bleh…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m trying to stay positive and not getting all down in the dumps already about my next adventure.  From my perspective, I am just trying to be realistic about what the block has in store for me.  I know I will get dirty (please oh please just don’t get any poop on my face)…I know I will come home smelly…I know I will need to shower multiple times to return to a publicly acceptable scent…I know I will need to wear at least 5 layers of clothing to prevent frostbite…I know I won’t know nearly as much about food animals as I do about small animals…I know I won’t be able to touch my food without ingesting poop particles for 21 days…I know I will be called out as a “small animal kid” often.  Just as any other block, I will be nervous going in and feel 100x more proficient coming out.  This block will certainly push me well beyond my comfort zone into some alternate smelly, poop covered zone, but I will survive.  Some of my small animal classmates even said that this block was one of their favorites.  I’m not making any promises.

I just need to keep my eye on the prize.  Just four blocks to go.  After this block, I am heading home to spend three weeks in the comfort of a small animal hospital doing what I dog best.  As much as I am dreading the next three  weeks, I need to remember that treating all species is one of the gifts that this profession offers.  I also need to remember that after these next three weeks, I never have to touch another animal over let’s say 175 lbs again and man, that would be a big dog.  So here’s hoping that I get through the next three weeks with no life-threatening injuries and maybe even enjoy myself a little.

A Lot Can Change…

Well, it’s been almost 6 months since my last entry.  I haven’t been too busy every day to write, but pretty darn close.  Fourth year is unpredictable.  No two days are ever the same but that’s one of the reasons I chose this career, right?  When you enter the clinic in the morning, you can never be sure what cases will be thrown at you, how much you will learn in a day, how your emotions will span the gamete and especially, what time you will leave at night.  There are very few hours of the day that I can call my own but that is OK with me.  My time is dedicated to the most incredible patients that just want to be loved and cared for.  Some of my patients have been quick out patients and others, I feel as though they still have a part of my heart and they will never “check out.”  I’m sure my seasoned clinicians would warn against getting attached, but sometimes, it is unavoidable.  I can still picture some of their faces in their last moments but on the flip side, others have left lasting impressions on me as they leaped into their owner’s arms at discharge.  While some days are so hard, they are all rewarding in their own ways.  Even though I am only the student on my cases and have to report to one or sometimes two other doctors, these are still my patients.  I am the one that takes care of their every need during the day and is the first to pick up changes, for good and for bad.  These subtleties have become more obvious over time and with only three months until graduation, I am finally trusting my clinical decisiveness.

So much has happened in the last 6 months.  Besides my developing abilities as a doctor of veterinary patient in the clinic, I have PASSED boards, interviewed for and got offered a job, applied for my diploma and finished another 8 blocks.  I turned the big 3-0, and the holidays came and went (and were wonderful).  Mark and I have started our search for our next home and put our house on the market.  The pups are doing great.  With everything falling into place, it is getting easier to see the next step.  It is hard to believe that vet school will be over soon.  I will move out of my apartment and into a house with Mark (finally!!!).  On June 2nd, I will start my first job as a small animal veterinarian.  My four year vet school journey will be coming to an end but the best years of my life are yet to come.

Today we had a few 3rd years in the hospital and I took a few minutes to talk with them.  Our conversation brought me back to this time last year where I was wishing the days away until I started clinics.  It is almost impossible to believe that the time has flown by so quickly and that clinics have changed me so immensely in such a short time.  It is hard to remember the days of sitting in the classroom, taking exams and feeling like I would never graduate.  Just 4.5 blocks to go.  Just 94 days until my last day of clinics and 100 days until graduation.  While that doesn’t sound like a lot of time, I know that I still have so much room to grow and improve.  My career is one that encourages me to learn and become a better doctor every day.  There is no room for complacency.  In another 3 months, a lot will change.

Surgery Day…

Today I had the honor of going to Mountain View Humane Spay/Neuter clinic and performing one dog spay, one dog neuter, one cat spay and one cat neuter.  It was definitely one of the greatest days I have had so far in vet school.  These were the first surgeries I ever performed solo, with no assistant.  I thought I would be more nervous than I was but quickly realized how prepared I was.  On this block I have already done one dog spay and one dog neuter, so maybe I’m finally starting to become one with my scalpel blade.  Whenever I watch other vets do surgery they make it look so easy.  Today was the first day that I didn’t feel like I was all thumbs and actually made it look somewhat easy!  It really is an amazing feeling to be the one holding the scalpel blade (and all of the rest of the instruments) knowing that I know how to use them.  The first time I did my dog spay almost a whole year ago, I was exhausted after just one surgery and couldn’t imagine doing more than one in a day.  It’s amazing how quickly you develop your skills but also recognized how you could be better.

Obviously I haven’t written much lately.  This block (Community Practice) has been absolutely nuts and I haven’t had much time to come up for air but it is one of my favorites for sure.  I know without a doubt that general practice is where I belong and a specialty is not in my future.  This block has been the reinforcement that I needed that life as a general practitioner means every day will be different and that the type of clinic that I work at can be so variable and offers so many opportunities.  The ability to interact with clients on a daily basis and to see both sick and healthy patients is something that I need in my career.  Other blocks have been so depressing and this one, while there are always sick patients, for the most part has been invigorating and just the reminder that I needed about all of the wonderful reasons I came to vet school in the first place.

As a whole, 4th year is amazing.  I love going in to school every day (just wish it wasn’t so darn early in the morning) and am thoroughly exhausted by the time I leave at night.  My days are filled with challenges beyond my wildest expectations and for the most part, I have risen to those challenges.  This year has made the previous three years so worth it.  I wouldn’t trade this for any ounce of sleep.  I have found my true passion and for that I am forever grateful.  I may be completely and utterly exhausted but at least I have found something worth being exhausted for.  Now it’s time to rest my surgeon hands… 

Sleepless in Blacksburg…

Block 4 has turned out to be one of those blocks where sleep is a luxury and I wake up every morning wishing I could’ve gone to bed earlier the night before.  I never feel caught up.  I never feel rested, but man, I feel more alive than ever.  Today I worked an ICU shift…maybe the most challenging shift to date.  I didn’t stop moving for 8 hours, didn’t have time to eat lunch but somehow, didn’t miss it.  Vet school has made me durable.  I have developed endurance like I never imagined I would.  Oh yeah, now I remember, I’m running a marathon.  I’m pretty sure marathon runners get to eat and sleep though…

It’s certainly hard to believe that Block 4 is almost over.  It has certainly been one of the most challenging to date…Small Animal Medicine.  Us Small Animal trackers get to do two rotations through SAM, attempting to prepare us for what a career at a small animal hospital has in store.  What I have realized most about this rotation is that small animal medicine is unpredictable, challenging and most of all, that life is so very precious.  This has been one of those rotations that no amount of time spent in a lecture hall can prepare you for.  My cases were more multifaceted than I could have ever imaged and made me think in ways that cannot be taught.  Finally, I am putting my book knowledge to practical use.

I think this will be one of those blocks that I will learn so much from but will also be glad when it is over.  I spend most of my nights trying to prepare for the next day’s cases, never really knowing how they will turn out.  It has been a good lesson in learning to be prepared but never judging a case before you see your patient for yourself and hear its history.  I will be glad when it is over, though, mostly because my nights are sleepless, worrying about whether I have done enough and whether I will serve my patients well.  So far, so good.  All I ever ask of myself is that I am acting as the veterinarian I would want for my own pets…and in order to serve my pups well, I would ask my vet not to sleep too, if that’s what it takes.

What Happened to Blocks 1, 2 and 3?

Well, somehow it’s already Block 4. Fourth year started off with a bang. My surgery rotation was the most demanding so far, especially the first week. It’s hard to say whether it was the adjustment period, schedule or a combination of both. I think I spent close to 90 hours in the hospital that week, skipped several meals and barely came home in enough time to shut my eyes and wake up for another day. Even so, the block screamed by, I learned a ton and I wouldn’t have changed a single day. Block 2 was Cardiology and Dermatology. I wasn’t as busy but still learned a ton and appreciated having the nights mostly to myself. Block 3 was VACATION! I went up to NY for a week to see Mom and then up to Trout Lake with the Paige clan. We had a blast to say the least and I spent some much needed quality time with Mark and the pups. It was so hard to drive back to Blacksburg on Sunday knowing that I had Small Animal Medicine waiting for me on Monday morning. Somehow, it’s already Thursday night.

This block has been flying by.  I have stayed pretty busy and we’ve had some interesting cases on the block.  I am sure the next two weeks will be just as busy with plenty of more cases keep the time flying.  It really is hard to believe that it is already Block 4…just 13 to go, 3 of which are external!  This week my family booked hotel rooms for graduation.  It is such an incredible feeling to be planning for that weekend already.  Since it is the same weekend as Virginia Tech’s graduation it takes a tremendous amount of planning and patience to get rooms booked, but well worth it.

So far, fourth year has been all that I hoped for and more.  When I look back to day one on surgery, I can’t believe how far I have come.  It is amazing how quickly you learn to take things in stride, plan ahead, stay organized and don’t try to anticipate more than a few hours ahead.  The weekends on primary care blocks do not belong to you, they belong to your patients.  It takes that amount of dedication to learn your cases inside and out.  The hours of preparation that I invest in cases on my own time is paying off and I am slowly feeling like 10 months isn’t too soon for someone to call me “doctor.”  When I think about the new first years arriving in one month from tomorrow, it is hard to believe that I stood in their shoes a mere 3 years ago.  I remember looking at the fourth years as though I would never get there and now that is me.  I no longer feel scared walking into the hospital.  I know that I will not feel those nerves again until my first day on the job.  Until then, I will enjoy my days in the clinic with someone always making sure that I am on the right track.  

My Final Year…

Third year came to a successful end…my best academic performance in vet school actually.  I’m not sure where the final bit of motivation came from, especially since most of my class mates were experiencing a “3rd year funk”.  It is safe to say that in three years, I definitely figured out how to study and how to successfully fill out a Scan-Tron.  Life has an amazing way of knowing the moment that you get comfortable with a situation and then everything immediately changes.  Luckily, I have learned over the past few years to walk on that line that divides comfort and discomfort.  Although it is hard to fully embrace, I know that the only way to grow is to basically jump of the bridge and figure out how to swim when you hit the water.  I am thankful for the skills that I have learned over these past three years that will prepare me to float when I hit the water in a few short days.  I feel like the last three years have been all about learning to stay afloat in some angry waters and now is my opportunity to put those skills to use.  Now, instead of just treading water and trying to keep my head above the crashing waves, I am jumping off of a bridge hundreds of feet in the air with patients to save in the water below.  First, I need to figure out how to keep myself afloat and hopefully, their little lives will rest comfortably in my hands once I secure my own life vest.  I’m not sure it will happen stepwise like I want.  I’m pretty sure it will be a mad rush come Monday with dogs and cats everywhere, papers flying, pills falling all over the ground and me just standing in the middle of the room hoping I can piece it all back together.  I’ve made order out of complete disarray before, so I have faith that I will somehow bob to the top of the water again.

While it is hard to believe that my academic years at VMRCVM are over, it feels so right to be moving on to clinics.  Of course I wish I had a summer vacation before I start but it is just the reality check that I (and many of my classmates) need that real life is about to start and it’s not going to wait for me to be ready.  Like I’ve written before, I have to start so I can finish.  I am terrified, overwhelmed, doubtful and already exhausted thinking about my inherited responsibilities come Monday but I am also determined to see that my abilities far exceed my own expectations.  I have gone above and beyond what I thought was possible for the first three years, so why not continue the trend?  I know I’ll being singing a different tune when my to-do list is miles long and my bed wonders when I will be returning home.  Luckily, I did not spend these past years just skating by.  I attacked every task with gusto and plenty of enthusiasm (self-admittedly often a facade).  Mark always tells me to “embrace the suck”…spoken like a true Marine.  So that is exactly what I will do.  I will accept that fourth year will push me to new limits but I will embrace every moment of it.  After all, this is the last time before I stand on my own two doctoral feet in ONE YEAR that I will have the support and knowledge of a board certified clinician behind me along the way.

So just like plenty of times before, I will be taking on fourth year (the year I’ve been anticipating for three years) with as much enthusiasm and pride that I can muster up, knowing that I have earned every right to wear my drab grey clinicians jacket.  While my classmates are worrying about what shoes to wear on the first day, I will be stocking my new tablet (thanks Mom) with loads of information from the first three years, ready to tackle whatever case gets thrown my way.  Could this really be my best year yet?  Regardless, it’s my final year.

Finally Some Lasts…

For the last three years, I have lived in a world of “firsts”.  I performed my first surgery, got my first C on an exam, cried due to utter exhaustion for the first time, and doubted my ability to succeed for the first time.  Not very often did I get to say, “This is the last time I will ever have to do this.”  Well, today is that day!  Tomorrow is my LAST day of class of veterinary school.  On Wednesday, I took my last cumulative final (I do still have one non-cumulative final to go).  Tomorrow I will download the last PowerPoint presentation I will need to commit to memory…OK I just did that so I don’t forget tomorrow, so I can check that off the list!

Fear of the Unknown…

I feel like my vet school “circle of life” is coming full circle.  During the weeks before my first year started, I was terrified.  I didn’t know what would be expected of me nor if I would be able to keep up with the high demands.  Well, those fears are long gone and I’ve done it.  With just four exams to go in third year, I can be *fairly* certain that I will finish my academic veterinary career virtually unscathed.  I’ve only had a few disappointing grades along the way and have always turned it around on the next exam.  I have far exceeded my own expectations and can look in the mirror at myself knowing that I have always, day in and day out, done everything I can.  That is really all I ever asked of myself.  I just wanted to get through this curriculum knowing that I gave it my all, and no matter the outcome, I would be satisfied.  At this point, I can say that I am beyond satisfied.  I never thought I would achieve such fantastic grades, receive scholarships and finish ranked in my class where I am.  Don’t get me wrong, all of this is great.  But…it doesn’t change the fact that fourth year is a mere five weeks away and I am terrified.

I feel like I am back in those weeks approaching first year, only now I know just enough to make me even more scared than I was then.  Tomorrow I will be spending eight hours in the clinics on Small Animal Surgery, my first block (which happens to be one of the hardest blocks).  I hope it will ease some of my insecurities and assure me that at the very least, I will survive.  That has always been my goal for vet school…to just survive.  I have far exceeded that goal so far, so is it possible that this trend will continue?  I can only hope.  So far, the fourth year student that I will be shadowing has been really helpful.  He has sent me a bunch of orientation documents and study materials so I can be prepared for tomorrow like a “real fourth year student” as he said.  I am taking it quite seriously as it is one of the few days I have to experience what Block 1 might be like.  Luckily, I am on Surgery again on Thursday.  Tomorrow will be a whirlwind but maybe by Thursday it will start to seem a bit more routine…or maybe not.

It’s quite possible that fourth year will be just another one of those take a deep breath and jump in head first moments, where no matter how many hours you spend worrying about it, nothing will make you feel prepared.  Until I am standing on my own two feet as the only student wearing the clinician’s jacket, it won’t be real.  The reality is, I cannot be a vet until I get through this next year.  There are numerous rites of passage that we as vet students experience during our four years and this is the biggest one yet.  I have survived this far by taking it all one day at a time and this will be no different.  If I start thinking blocks down the road, I will get myself into a tizzy.  Vet school is always one exam, one day, one week at a time and eventually, it all flies by.  This will be no different.  One appointment, one day, one *barely* night’s sleep at a time and before I know it, it will be this time next year.  The reality is, it is human nature to fear the unknown.  Thankfully, I as a human being can rationalize that fear and work through it to become stronger, smarter and far more durable than I ever thought possible.